Monday, September 17, 2012

Words and Their Legitimate Meanings

Dear Lulli Akin,

Does anybody in your family have even the simplest of basic understandings about rape?

Today you said that the GOP’s decision to distance itself from your husband’s campaign for Senate was just like rape. Of course, the organization took a step back after your husband decided, science be dammed, that every woman has magic sperm-ninjas in her vagina that can mystically comprehend the intent with which the sperm was placed in the cavern of dark magic and thus prevent pregnancy if the rape was “legitimate.” Which leads me to believe that a) not one single person in your family knows what the word rape means and b) not one single person in your family owns a dictionary. (see? You don’t even have to own a dictionary. It’s all right there, free, on the interwebs) defines rape as “the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse… any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.” Very rarely do you ever hear a rape victim on the stand saying, “He was really supportive at first. And then I said something monumentally stupid and he never called again.” Because that is not rape. That is the abandonment. And I’m willing to bet 10 out of 10 rape victims wish their assailant took the GOP’s course of action.

In the end, I think it is you and your husband that are more attacker than victim in this instance. Because every time somebody in your family opens their mouth and says something that trivializes the horrific act of one person forcing themselves upon another and violating them in a brutal attack that takes away choice, dignity and any semblance of a sense of security, you are victimizing them yet again. By telling 5% of rape victims that, if their rape was “real”, they wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, you are assaulting them all over again. By saying that your husband’s campaign not getting as much money as it used to is the same thing as being held down on the ground while somebody penetrates you under threat of violence, you are diminishing the horror they were forced to experience. Because, remember, nobody’s holding a gun to your head, forcing you to stay in the race. Unlike a legitimate rape victim, you can walk away whenever the horror gets to be too much.

Hugs and Kisses,

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Open Letter to America from the GOP

Dear America, 

I know we've had our differences. I know you've moved on. But, America, I just can't get you out of my head. I know this is the wrong time and that you've been in a stable relationship for the past four years. I just need to let you know I've changed, Baby. I'm a better GOP now. I'm stronger, I'm more conservative (remember how you always talked about starting a family? Well, now I'm anti-abortion in all cases and I'm not a big fan of insurance companies paying for birth control, so chances are, we'll be starting one real soon if we get back together). No more long vacations in the middle of nowhere Texas. No more looking to my daddy for advice. I'm a real political party now and I'm ready to commit to you for the next four to eight years. Maybe more. We'll see how you like my VP candidate. Did I tell you I have a VP candidate now? He's so handsome. You're going to really love him. You guys can jog together. You should see him run a marathon. 

America, I know in the past, we fought a lot. Mostly in a country that had nothing to do with the attacks of September 11th. But that's over now. And I'm working on the situation in Afghanistan, even if I never mention it. I know I blew all our money and nearly pushed you into a Great Depression. But I hear you're happy now. You're working again, almost 20 hours in a retail job your PhD leaves you grossly over-qualified for. I'm sure you're going to be moving out of your mom's basement soon, America. Maybe we can rent a house together. Something White and ornate with a huge lawn and a rose garden. But I don't want to rush things, so I'll just move in there first, America. I'll get everything set up real nice and we can take our time, see how things go. 

I know this guy had to really work hard to repair a lot of the mistakes I made in the past. And it's not that I'm not grateful for it. I know I hurt you and he has helped heal you, probably more than you'll ever know. But you don't seem as happy as you were four years ago. I know that has a lot to do with me, but can't we also acknowledge that some of that is because you guys just don't have the same chemistry? For all my faults, America, I did make you laugh. Remember that time Cheney almost got to be president because I nearly choked to death on a pretzel? Or the time I got stuck on stage because I couldn't figure out how the door worked? Or what about the time I talked about OB/GYNs not being able to practice their love? I know that was your favorite. It could be just like that again, America. The jokes will be a little more high-brow this time around. Less choking on pretzels, more choking on fois gras or falling off my wife's Olympic horse. But there will be jokes! We'll laugh together, America. And everybody knows laughter is the best medicine. Which is good, because if we get into power, we're going to scrap Obamacare and you're probably not getting health insurance at your minimum wage retail job. So we will just laugh until you feel healthy again. 

Bottom line: I love you, America. And it doesn't feel like this guy really does. So just give me another chance.