Under the Big Top

Dear Conservatives,

So you’re all up in arms that Donald Trump is speaking at your conference.  You’re tweeting that “CPAC is dead” and that the organization is “destroying” itself.  You worry that Donald Trump is going to make a mockery of Conservative values and policy (as if that’s even possible).

Look, I’m with you. I think Donald Trump is one of the biggest buffoons modern society has offered us in a while. And I’ve always said that, regardless of what label he’s stuck on himself over the years. The earliest memory  I have of what it really meant for a man to be a pig is Donald Trump when he cheated on Ivana. So I get why you’re speaking out against him being touted as a leader of the party. What I don’t get is why the hell it took you so long. When he was running around demanding the president’s long-firm birth certificate, why didn’t you say, “Hey, The Donald. We have serious things we have to worry about in this country right now. Hawaii’s a state, he was born here legally, that video from Kenya was bullshit. Now stop.” You can’t hate him now that he’s calling himself an Independent when he was worthy of our hate the whole time he was a Republican.

Sometimes you get the leader you asked for. And you asked for The Donald. A businessman who declares bankruptcy and then rails against entitlement. A man who declares how important family values are as he stands right next to his umpteenth wife. You’re letting the party be held hostage by these Tea Party lunatics who run around in tri-cornered hats and talk about how the Founding Fathers always intended this country to be God-fearing and racist (when we all know only one of those things is true). You’re letting asshole pundits prevent Congress from working across the aisle. You won’t give a centenarian who waited hours to vote a standing ovation because she voted for the wrong team. Your lead Congressman rolls his eyes at the idea that our basic infrastructure needs improvement because President Obama suggested it. Our country went into sequester because nobody could even agree to call a frigging time out.

If you don’t want a clown to represent your party, stop running it like a circus.

Hugs and Kisses,

Lindsay

Lady Bits and Pieces

Dear Conservatives,

I know you want to make this one of your big issues. I know that you’re all wrapped up in the sanctity of all life, no matter what, so help you God. But I think it’s time. You need to stop talking about vaginas and everything that goes on in and around them.

I can’t even get one letter out to one of your ilk before another one of you makes a comment so egregious, so horrific in its stupidity that I feel like addressing the previous comment is a waste of time. I can’t keep up with this. So please. Stop.

This week started off with State Representative Mary Sue McClurkin (R-Alabama) saying that a fetus is “the largest organ in the body.” She says we don’t have any organs in the body bigger than a fetus. And, if a fetus were an organ, she still wouldn’t be right, because your skin is the biggest organ on your body. Maybe she still wouldn’t have an argument in the last month of pregnancy because skin weighs about 8 pounds and a fetus is not an organ.

I always thought it was just the men of your party who seemingly had no idea how the lady bits worked and I could understand that in a way because they don’t have lady bits and apparently are allergic to the most basic of basic sex-ed classes. But now I realize it’s a full-blown epidemic.  Sperm-fighting vagina ninjas and babies as organs are the sorts of nonsensical prattle I would barely tolerate from my toddler (who, just to be clear, was not robbing me of my biggest organ when he was removed by C-section two years ago).

So, again, I beg of you. Enough. Go back to thinking anything below our belly buttons and above our knees is just an icky black hole of murkiness designed to rob men of their power and never ever mention it by name. It’ll just be better that way. 

Hugs and Kisses,
Lindsay

State of Our Union

Dear Speaker Boehner,

You know, I resolved to update my website this New Year’s Eve and then I didn’t do anything about it. But your behavior at the State of the Union inspired me, truly.

I understand that you’re not the biggest fan of the President’s. You’re on different teams and that’s what matters more than anything, right? I also understand that you are not a teenage girl. So when you roll your eyes and try to look as bored and disinterested as possible, OMG, you look like an idiot. You looked like you were about two seconds away from pulling out your Blackberry and BBM-ing your BFF Paul Ryan over there about how the President was “so totally lame L”

(Speaking of “BM”– your skin is starting to look like you haven’t taken one in three days and crap is pushing itself through to the surface of your skin. STOP FAKE TANNING! You’re from Ohio and you live in DC. Nobody thinks you’re getting that much sun naturally.)

When the President says that everybody, regardless of what they look like or who they love, deserves equal rights and you refuse to applaud that everybody deserves the same rights, again, you look ungrateful. Some homosexual is out there on the front lines, defending your right to look as bored and disinterested as you want to be. I wouldn’t do it. You didn’t do it. So when the President says that soldier deserves to enjoy ALL the rights they’re fighting for, clap. It won’t make you gay, too. Promise.

When a 102-year-old woman hauls herself out of the house and stands on long lines to cast her first vote, that’s something that’s deserving of our praise and respect, regardless of who you think she cast that vote for. 40% of Americans didn’t bother to do what she did and I’m guessing a lot of them are in a lot better physical shape than she is. You can’t go on and on about how great this country is and then not applaud when somebody goes out and proves your point just because you don’t like the way in which they proved it. It makes it seem like you only want the people who agree with you to get a chance to participate in the democratic process and we know that’s not the case. Right?

Here’s the thing: I get that you don’t like the President. We all get that you don’t like the President. You’ve made it abundantly clear, what with your party’s complete inability to cross party lines, even if it’s in the best interests of the country. But you forget who your bosses are. You have to answer to the people of this great country. You are an at-will employee. The American voter put you in your position and the American voter can take you out. And if you look too bored with your duties, if you look disinterested in listening to your co-workers and continually demonstrate that you are not willing to be part of the team, you will lose your job.

So think about that. And also, seriously, stop with the tanning.

Hugs and Kisses,

Lindsay