Thursday, April 19, 2012

Servicing the President's Men

Dear Secret Service,
Wow. Just Wow.
You guys have always been the strong, silent types in the background. Which, I always kind of gathered, was your job description. Wear dark suit and darker sunglasses. Blend into the background and be alert. Above, all, protect the leader of the free world, giving your life to save his if it came to that.
I’m fairly certain buying Colombian hookers wasn’t in there at all.
Usually, the only time you guys make the news is when the code names you call the first family come out. You know, First Lady Barbara Bush was “Steel Battleship” and President Clinton was, “Sir, you have lipstick on your mouth.” But you guys have made a splash and in a big way, with the hookers and the presidents itinerary in the room with the hookers.
Couple of things:
First up: even if the local government is cool with it, chances are THIS government, the United States government, the one that signs your paycheck, they’re probably not cool with prostitution. Hence the reason why it’s pretty much illegal here. And I don’t care if everybody’s doing it anyway. Sometimes your bosses can get away with stuff that you can’t. It’s like that time I was working at a Mexican restaurant for the summer and the boss would openly down a couple of bottles of wine during his dinner shift Saturday nights. I didn’t think I could do the same as the hostess. And not just because I was under-aged. He was the manager, I was the underling. If I wanted to drink on the job, I was going to have to do it one tequila shot at a time back behind the chips station. That’s how these things work. It’s nearly the same thing, except you’re tasked with the security of the president and I was the lynchpin in making sure everybody found a seat.
Secondly: when you’re on a business trip, even when you’re not on the clock, you’re still kind of on the clock. Act accordingly. You can’ t act like you’re at your Buddy’s Vegas bachelor party after 5pm. If somebody is paying your hotel bill, they own your free time, too. That means a quiet dinner with a glass of wine with your co-workers. Not a Bacchanal in the clubs of South America. Because guess what? You have work to do in the morning. And it’s pretty important work, too. It’s not like you’re dicking around writing a travel blog for a college semester abroad. You’re securing the President of the United States, for Christ’s sake. It’s a big deal. And you should treat it as such.
I know this advice is kind of pointless now, seeing as you’re all on your way to the unemployment line (remember: that’s also a government-signed paycheck, so no hookers this time, either). But I hope that maybe you can read this letter and learn something from it that will help you grow in the fine service-industry careers I’m sure you have in front of you.
Good luck. It’s hard out there for a pimp – but you probably know that already.

Hugs and Kisses,
PS – One more thing: don’t cheat the hookers. That’s just bad form. A girl just gave up her body and her dignity, the least you could do is not stiff her on the bill.

Lady's Right

Dear Democratic Party,

Jesus Christ.
You had the women voters delivered to you by the Republicans on a silver platter made from the foil backs of birth control pills and you’re now managing to alienate them swiftly and surely.
Why do you do this to yourselves? Why? This election should be a gimme, why make it an uphill battle?
After waging a war on women’s reproductive rights to protect religion’s rights by taking away a woman’s right to choose how many kids she has, thus extending the role of the government while claiming to be the party of small government (Irony was last seen downing a scotch), the female vote was yours for the taking, Democratic Party.
And then here comes your Strategist and CNN Political Contributor Hilary Rosen.
Rosen made what is, admittedly, a rather dumb comment about how Ann Romney, a stay-at-home mom, has never worked a day in her life and thus shouldn’t be who Mitt Romney consults on economic issues facing women. It’s a dumb comment, a low-hanging-fruit jab that’s neither particularly  inflammatory nor helpful to your cause. Just because they’re stay-at-home moms doesn’t mean that they don’t have an understanding of what’s going on in the world, economically and otherwise. Plus, one could argue (and that’s exactly what I’m doing here), that stay-at-home moms, often tasked with maintaining the family budget, probably have a pretty good sense of how economically tough things are in the world right now.
It could have ended there, if there was not the 24-hour news cycle beast to feed. But media outlets love making mountains out of stupid comments caught on tape (and I say this from nearly a decade of experience feeding the beast in 10 hour shifts).  So now it’s a controversy. And, as such, Rosen has written an editorial on CNN’s webpage trying to explain herself.
And this is where the Democrats need to learn how to shut the hell up. Because instead of making it better, Rosen’s put her foot so far in her mouth it’s coming out of her ass.
There’s something of a custom among us simple stay-at-home moms that you never return a plate empty, meaning that if somebody brings a dish to your house, when you return the dish, you should return it full of cookies or muffins or something to say thank you.
Maybe that’s why she’s serving up platitudes on the same silver platter Republicans sent the women voters over on.
“I admire women who can stay home and raise their kids full time. I even envy them sometimes. It is a wonderful luxury (emphasis mine) to have the choice.”
Aside from the condescending tone, these comments are frustrating because she seems to think that all stay-at-home moms are ladies who lunch wherever it is that the 1% eats these days. And, as a stay-at-home mom that has had vegetarianism forced upon her as a result of her economic condition, I have to call challenge.
Look, I know I have a biased here. But I also have a point. Most of the stay-at-home moms I know (and the partners that support them) have made tremendous changes in their own lives so that they can have one parent stay at home and raise the kids. It’s a personal choice that’s very rarely a luxury but a sacrifice. And who better to understand what’s going on in the world of economics than families who have suddenly taken a 50% pay cut? Don’t think that stay-at-home moms understand the economic climate? I have a much better understanding of inflation now that I have to watch my pennies at the grocery store. Talk to a mom who goes in to buy eggs, milk and bananas and spends $40 to get a real understanding of how hard it is out there economically. Drive around all day with a mom of 2 who tries to balance taking their kids to play dates and soccer practice with the rising cost of a gallon of gas. Make no mistake Democrats, stay-at-home moms understand today’s economic climate.
But it’s more than that. I am a strong liberal who would no more think of voting for Romney than going to the moon. But there are a lot of people out there who sit on the fence. And you know what? I may not agree with a damn thing that’s ever come out of Sarah Palin’s mouth, but she’s never made me feel like a simpleton for giving up my career and staying home with my kids.  And if you Democrats start alienating women for the choices they make, you’re no better than the Republicans who just alienated women for the choices they make.
Listen Democrats: your strategy for this election is so simple it’s been made into an internet meme. President Obama killed Bin Laden. He saved us from economic depression. He didn’t screw up the recovery effort from a natural disaster. And he brought us motherf*ckers doughnuts. Don’t stray from the message and let’s wrap this shit up in November. ‘Kay?
Hugs and Kisses,