Thursday, February 28, 2013

Lady Bits and Pieces

Dear Conservatives,
I know you want to make this one of your big issues. I know that you’re all wrapped up in the sanctity of all life, no matter what, so help you God. But I think it’s time. You need to stop talking about vaginas and everything that goes on in and around them.
I can’t even get one letter out to one of your ilk before another one of you makes a comment so egregious, so horrific in its stupidity that I feel like addressing the previous comment is a waste of time. I can’t keep up with this. So please. Stop.
This week started off with State Representative Mary Sue McClurkin (R-Alabama) saying that a fetus is “the largest organ in the body.” She says we don’t have any organs in the body bigger than a fetus. And, if a fetus were an organ, she still wouldn’t be right, because your skin is the biggest organ on your body. Maybe she still wouldn’t have an argument in the last month of pregnancy because skin weighs about 8 pounds and a fetus is not an organ.
I always thought it was just the men of your party who seemingly had no idea how the lady bits worked and I could understand that in a way because they don’t have lady bits and apparently are allergic to the most basic of basic sex-ed classes. But now I realize it’s a full-blown epidemic.  Sperm-fighting vagina ninjas and babies as organs are the sorts of nonsensical prattle I would barely tolerate from my toddler (who, just to be clear, was not robbing me of my biggest organ when he was removed by C-section two years ago).
So, again, I beg of you. Enough. Go back to thinking anything below our belly buttons and above our knees is just an icky black hole of murkiness designed to rob men of their power and never ever mention it by name. It’ll just be better that way. 
Hugs and Kisses,

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